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Friday, November 1, 2013

Friday Fights: Sidekickin it.

 Sidekicks are a classic (sometimes outdated) part of superhero and geek culture, but not all sidekicks are created equal. For that matter, not every superhero is someone you'd want to be a sidekick to. Collateral damage, lame powers and an-above average chance of being killed off, so your superhero pal has a bigger motivation to get the bad guy ("Now it's personal!") all mean that being a sidekick is not nearly as cool as it sounds. And it doesn't sound all that cool.
So, we pulled the panel back together and asked "Who would you least want to be a sidekick for?"
We said either use real sidekicks or just imagine what it would be like to be a sidekick for whatever superhero you choose.

Ben:  Hulk would suck to be a sidekick for... You might as well call yourself "Clean-up Kid"  "HULK SMASH!!!!"....Clean-up Kid fires up the back-hoe and gets his shovel ready.  FML

Pete:  Even if you didn't have to be the clean up guy, it would still suck being half-blamed for Hulk's actions. 
Headline: Hulk and Pete destroy Brooklyn.  
“Come on! I knocked over ONE TRASHCAN!”

Aitch: Batman...they all eventually die.

Ben: Only the stupid ones.  Dick Grayson got along fine because he did what he was told.

Aitch: but that's what dicks do.

Ben: Good point.

Pete:  If some billionaire makes me his 12-year-old ward, the one thing I am not going to be doing late at night is fight crime in a red unitard and green panties.  I will be playing video games against Kate Upton in a chair made of foie gras.

Ben: I mean...who would want to be Elongated Man's sidekick? And don't get me started on Aqua-Lad.

Pete:  Also, the Flash.  If you're not also super fast, what's the point.  You show up an hour later and Flash rolls his eyes at you "Glad you could make it, Out-Of-Breath Boy."

Ben: Kid Flash was a great side-kick! I love Wally!

Aitch: <----would be Storm's sidekick... hehehehe

Rosa: I think being Storm's sidekick would suck if you were another woman--you essentially could never live up to being as awesome as Storm, so you're the "but she has a nice personality" sidekick...and anyone who hangs out with Storm has to bring a friend to entertain her sidekick - but you can tell he's totally not into her.

Shane:  I'd hate to be Marc Spector, Moon Knight's, sidekick because he's a schizophrenic nut ball. That would get annoying.
Pete:  I would hate to be sidekick to anyone named Moon Knight.

Joshu: David Tennant era Dr. Who. (Spoilers:) You travel around under constant mortal danger from things you couldn't possibly understand, fall in love, only to ultimately get dumped in a parallel universe with no hope of ever getting home to your friends and family, having to fight for your life until you die...Give or take.

Rosa: Is the handheld device that Al in Quantum Leap used (Ziggy) technically a sidekick? Because it would suck to be Ziggy--you always have the answers, but Al often misinterprets them, hits you, and then gets the credit for helping out.
"How strange that the computer I made out of Lego is glitchy ..."
Steph:  I'd "sidekick" Han Solo all day. He treats his sidekick with respect, and lets him fly the Falcon.
Manny: Stephanie, you'd also smell like wet dog all day.

Steph:  I wouldn't have to be a Wookiee.
Manny: What would be the fun in that then?

 Steph:  If you have to ask... Heh.

"No one invites me to parties anymore."
Shane: This guy too. Ruben, the super powered focus of this new Dark Horse title called BUZZKILL. He is a 'superhero' who gets his powers from drugs. Any drug. Caffeine, nicotine, alcohol. And the powers are different depending on the drug. It's one of my favorite books right now. But he's a major alcoholic so when his powers are at full octane he is also out of control. Being his sidekick would be like trying to be wingman to an unstoppable spoiled brat frat boy. Anyhow. Great book.   

Manny: Would Buzzkill's sidekick be called Blackout Boy?
Shane: Buzzkill's sidekick would probably have to be called "The Sponsor."

Steph:  I would not like to be the sidekick to the Tick - either Arthur or my own character. Can you imagine trying to handle that guy??
Rosa: I think The Tick addressed the sidekick issue pretty well (in the cartoon, at least). They weren't allowed in the hero bar, and instead had to hang out in the sidekick shack out back...it was kind of sucky to be a sidekick, but then again--most of them were sidekicks because they were lame ("Can I moisten anything for you?").
Steph:  Sorry to get you on a technicality, Rosa, but Moist is a henchman, not a sidekick.
Aitch: Moist...giggety.  What about being Prof. X sidekick? Gotta push his wheelchair around and close your mind off as you look at Storm's butt.

Aitch: Hmmm what would life be like being Deadpool's sideki---oh wait!

Shane: Ugghhhhh……Deadpool would suck to be partnered with because he is such a jerk off smartass. I swear it would be like side kicking in every episode of all these shows where every line coming out of every single mouth is some snarky wise crack, insult.

Jason:  Siedkick to Deadpool is a slightly less deadly version of being the Joker's sidekick... death is pretty much guaranteed.  Now, The Punisher. Hes one of the only heroes that can go toe to toe with super villians/heroes, and you can just sit in the van and feed him intel... pretty cush. I would hate to be Wolverine's sidekick, because Wolverine only gets in no-win situations... and he can't get drunk.
Shane: Remember "Microchip". Punisher's sidekick. Well……..ex-sidekick.
Worst letter of recommendation ever!
Aitch: AHmm how long could one last as Conan's sidekick?  LOL
Steph:  I guess it all boils down to, what exactly IS a sidekick? Like, is your job just an assistant, or are you backup? Are you pushing the wheelchair, or are you out there kicking ass, too? Are you cleaning up after the main guy, or helping make the mess?
Pete:  I think being Cyclop's sidekick would be horrid. First step to becoming a villain is everyone making fun of you and ignoring your commands.

Steph:  I wouldn't want to be anyone's assistant or caretaker - I want to be a superhero-in-training. A squire, if you will.

Ben: I think sidekicks work best when they are training up to be eventual replacements.... James Rhodes, Wally West and Dick Grayson are examples of guys grew into roles that were a lot more than "rescue fodder". I still think bringing back Barry and Bruce was lazy storytelling because both Grayson and West were growing into or had grown into the mantles they had taken up. That is damn fine storytelling. Rhodes was a little different, but he could have been a great Iron Man if they have developed him into that.

Steph:  So who would I want to emulate? Can't be Spider-Man, because I'd have to get bit by a radioactive spider. Is Bruce Wayne gonna leave me all his money so I can carry on without him? Scratch Batman. Although maybe I'd sidekick Selena Kyle - I could learn how to be a sexy ninja super thief.

Manny: Could you imagine leading a sidekick support group?

Aitch: "My name is Red Robin and I was a side kick"
Pete & Shane:  Hi Red

Manny: Red, the Batman support group meets on tuesdays and Thursdays in room 215.

Pete:  The worst sidekicks are the incompetent ones. Like Orco from He-Man. Why would I bring an incompetent magician into battle with me? He could turn me into a sack of flour in the middle of a battle with Skeletor. This is a terrible plan.
"He-man, I know you're going to be mad I turned you
into a corn stalk.  But hear me out ..."

Shane:  Christ worst sidekick off all time. Friigin' C-3P0. Cowardly negative chicken shit. Slow as they come. Bright friggin gold?!?!? Try to maintain the element of surprise and move around inconspicuously with a walking oscar award that bitches and moans all the time next to you. I'd have tossed him out the air lock five minutes into the first mission. R2 on the other hand. That little dudes got balls. He can probably project blu ray movies on any surface and as proven in RotJ can be accessorized to bring you a beer or any variety of cocktail.

Rosa: I think the worst sidekicks are probably the over-zealous ones--like Harley Quinn or Jinx (the robot from Space Camp)...they just try so hard and end up making things worse or more annoying.

Aitch: I believe that Harley is in an S&M relationship with Joker.

Rosa: Do you think they have to report that to their HR rep?
Aitch: they killed the HR rep.

Ben: Who would want to be Ghost Rider's sidekick? How much would that suck. 1) Riding in that sidecar would suck. 2) Riding is sidecars is inherently wuss 3) Trying to avoid getting caught on fire.... It sucks all the way around.
Rosa: It would suck worse if it was Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider--because then you would constantly be putting out flaming capes as he tries to dress like Superman and fails.
Pete:  I think of someone like Hawkeye and think, sometimes a sidekick doesn't even know he is a sidekick.

Ben: It would suck to be that guy's sidekick, Pete.... "Fetch...go do your job and get the arrows!"

Pete:  "What is taking you so long Fetch?"
Pete:  Also, Fetch makes me think of Stiny.

Pete:  I think being the Ghostbusters sidekick would be pretty sweet. At least Louis Tully. Not only is he the only person to hook up in both the movies (even while possessed still counts), he's good with his money, practices law and a whole crowd of people watched him blast a shell of slime off the Manhattan Museum of Art. What can't that little nerd do?
Rosa: I feel like Tully doesn't turn into a sidekick until the very end of each movie (sidekick for Zuul, sidekick for the Ghostbusters). I feel like being a sidekick for all of the Ghostbusters would be hard--so many of them to defend, sometimes giving you conflicting directions, in-fighting, gossip...I think the only person who successfully pulled that off was Slimer in the Real Ghostbusters cartoon.

Shane: I'd be embarrassed to be this guy's sidekick. THE RED BEE, he kept his little honey-loving friend in a special pouch on his belt buckle and let him out to frighten very allergic villains. He was in DC's All Star Squadron and was killed. RIP Red Bee!!!

I'm a Bee, I'm a bee, I'm a- I'm a-  I'm a Bee.

Rosa: I'm going to go ahead and say that Jake the Dog from Adventure Time would be the best sidekick...he's strong, dependable, funny, and he makes bacon pancaaaaaaaaakes!

Ben: And Jake the Dog is an excellent sidekick.

Pete:  Jake is also a good bro; every time Finn whines about the ladies or gets lost in his own world, Jake brings the tough love.


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