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Friday, December 21, 2012

Friday Fights: Fixations

This topic comes from Rosa who writes:
"I once had an awkward dream involving Duke from GI Joe when I was about six. For some reason in the dream I was naked and stuck up in a tree, and instead of letting me hide up there he made me jump down and get in a boat. It was more along the lines of “going to school in your underwear” type dream than sex dream, but it created weird feelings towards this cartoon character—to the point that I actively rooted against him while he fought Cobra…knowing that inevitably Cobra would lose and creepy Duke would be triumphant (try not to read into these feelings too much). In any case…I don’t think I’ve had such strong feelings for any other cartoon character—good or bad—since.
Our Question this week: Did any cartoon character ever creep in to your brain and give you…feelings?
Did you ever have a huge crush on Teela, or tell your dad you wished that he were as cool as Optimus Prime? Did anyone else ever keep a notebook where they would write down their friends’ names and who their equivalent was in terms of Fraggles or Muppet Babies? Fingers crossed that this question doesn’t out me as a total psycho…"

Pete: Anyone who's been to Scott's house knows Jean Grey falls into that category. Especially if you ever ... accidentally ... move his Jean Grey figures into dirty positions inside the glass cases.
Not that you've ever done that, OR mixed up his Transformers into the wrong genre...
Never. There is no wrong genre.  Right Scott? 
Scott: You leave my shit alone! 
Pete: I like to think I am helping Scott's G1 transformers meet and greet their counterparts from another dimension.
Scott: I will burn you alive in my guest room.
Pete: Just like the Phoenix ...
Joe: I wanted to be Sailor Moon when I was little. I even did the little dance and everything. And I had a rather sexual dream involving Dr. Wily once that stayed with me for a *very* long time.
Rosa: Is Dr. Wily from Sailor Moon, Joe? I hope so...because right now I'm picturing Wile E. Coyote in a lab coat doing a sexy strip tease...
Joe: No, Dr. Wily was from Mega Man, which I was obsessed with growing up. You couldn't leave a box/pillow around without me sticking my arm in it and pew pew'ing everything in sight.
Rosa: ...and so Joe's fists got an early start...
Pete: This became the dirtiest thread we've ever had, so fast!
Mike: I had a total cartoon crush on April O'Neil in the original animated TMNT series. Perfect damsel in distress, though, in retrospect, the fact she was animated made the discovery process of liking girls more confusing at the time. I had similar feelings on multiple Disney princesses.
Pete: Ladies in jumpsuits! Mike knows where it's at!
Rosa: Did you ever get jealous that the Turtles got to spend so much time with April, Mike?
Mike: I think the whole interspecies thing kept the Turtles platonic and non-threatening for me. Though I didn't like the way Casey Jones would look at her (didn't they date in the comic book?).
Manny:  Scarlett and The Baroness, oh my!
Rosa:   The post isn't necessarily going for "who is the most boneable" of cartoon/pop culture characters out there, but who have you ever made a really emotional connection with. It could definitely degrade to "every night I spank it to He-Man's abs," but it could also be "I cried when Optimus Prime died."
Pete: Strange you mention Optimus Prime, Rosa. When my dad drove truck, I don't remember if I ever saw him and the truck in the same place at the same time.
Rosa: Your dad definitely wears a lot of red and blue...and terrifies Manny.
Manny: Damn straight he does!
Pete: Because Manny is a Decepticon.

Manny:   I was shocked when Roy Fokker died in Robotech. That was the first time that I'd seen actual death in a cartoon and it took me aback. That I can still remember it to this day and still feel an echo of it tells you how much it affected the young me.
Rosa: I still cry every time I watch the Neverending Story and Artak dies..."Fight you stupid horse! Artaaaaak!" It caries the same emotional weight as the end of La Bamba, when Bob yells "Ritchiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" Apparently you just have to yell something in a long drawn out way to evoke an emotional response from me.
Childhood trauma in 5 ... 4... 3 ...
 Pete: Artak was still more useful than Bastion.  Fantasia is falling apart and the Empress is screaming, "Give me a name, Bastion!"  I had thought up about thirty five names for the Empress, while Bastion sat on his lazy ass talking to the book. I'd have saved Fantasia!
Manny: I cried like a baby when E.T. "died".
Scott: All this talk of crying. Just wanted to say I was a mess when they killed Jadzia Dax on DS9. Sure not a cartoon, but see I have a heart!
Joe: Honestly, I think the only strong connection I had to any cartoon character growing up was Dexter from Dexter's lab. As an adult, I despise him, but as a young zergling, he was my idol. Go figure!Oh, and Rocko's Modern Life. I still love Rocko. I loved Philbert.
Pete: LOVE Dexter.  Never mind that i was in my 20s when he was kicking it.
Joe: Also, if we are migrating to non-cartoon emotional connections, I developed a bizarre man crush on Voyager's First Officer, Chakotay. I think he was my very first man-crush, unless you count the underwear dudes in the JC Penny catalogs in my grandmother's bathroom.
 Pete: I always had alternating crushes on Princess Leia and Wonder Woman and stuff, but I'd say one of the biggest connections was to Bonnie from Knight Rider. She was smart, and although her season 2 replacement April looked like kathy ireland,Bonnie was my gal. Shoulder pads and all. And hair for three miles!

Rosa: So, that thing in the intro about having a little notebook and writing down who the TV character equivalents of my friends in school were...totally true. I want to say it was about third grade when I was doing that. I definitely remember that the lists included Fraggles and Care Bears, but I don't remember which else. I think I made the lists so that I could reassure myself that I was always the "cool" character...so naturally I was Red Fraggle.
Pete: I absolutely would categorize friends as who would be what X-man, or who'd be who in Star Wars, and yeah, probably even Muppet Babies.
Rosa: ...you can be Gobo Fraggle, Pete.
Pete:  That's good. As a kid I always identified with the "weird" charcters like Wembley fraggle or Gonzo. To do so now would make my personal hero someone like Dwight Schrute.
Rosa: I was also jealous that Short Round got to spend so much time with Indiana Jones in Temple of Doom, and often thought about how I would have done so much better if in the same situation (wouldn't have gotten caught for one, and WOULD have eaten some of that chilled monkey brains).
Christina: I was definitely in love with Kermit the Frog. He was so sweet regardless of how high maintenance Miss Piggy was.I'm also a big fan of the color. Hmmm come to think of it even now I think I have a soft spot for the docile, temperate, mild mannered man. Did the muppets shape my picture of what a working romantic dynamic was? And worse .... Am I Miss Piggy in these relationships? Oh no no no no ... Bre. ak. thr...ooooough mom ent ....
Pete: Do you have a love of karate and fashion?
Christina: NO!
Pete: Mmm hmm
Scott: To get back to Rosa's original question though, i cant say ive had any feelings good or bad towards cartoon characters. I've always liked Optimus Prime's voice. He could read me a phone book and i'd be happy. Actually he and Ashley Judd can take turns reading me a phone book and i'd be happy. Yes, weird i know.
Joe: I feel that way about Patrick Stewart.
Rosa: Optimus Prime and Ashley Judd roll out...a very special Christmas album. With such classics as "Baby it's cold outside and I'm out of antifreeze," and "Walking on Wynona in a Winter Wonder Land."
Pete: I'm with Scott when it comes to Optimus Prime. that's part of what made me believe in every decision that he made. even when it was dumb . He could have said "Autobots, we're going to train these kittens to defeat Megatron with the cutest electrostatic charge the world has ever seen!" and I would have been on board - like, 'What! Who wants to say something negative about this plan?! damn right. Good plan. Start scooping up kittens! This one's for Prime!" And that's probably why - 1986 spoiler alert - when Prime died because impulsive-ass Hot Rod got in the way, I could never respect Rodimus Prime. Eff you, asshole. If it werent for you, the real prime would still he here. So, um... no. I've never had strong feelings for a cartoon character.
Manny: I'd rather follow Rodimus than Ultra Magnus's stuck-up ass. He couldn't even open The Matrix!
"stupid Chinese finger puzzles..."
Rosa: By the above logic of identifying with Muppets and having them shape your romantic views...I'm concerned that I might be a chicken in Pete's "Gonzo" eyes. Although I would probably be okay with him going "gaga" and buying all of Richard Pryor's balloons for me.
Rosa: I like how Pete's posts are segmented...it's like he's a radio show host and we're turning his volume up and down.
Pete: Scott, are you counting Jean Grey?
Rosa: Oh, Jean is MUCH more than just a cartoon for Scott...

Scott: My love of Jean Grey is from the comics, not the 90s cartoon. In the cartoon she always the damsel in distress. Meh. And that pony tail, ugh and a half. SWAT cats just made me think of Thundercats. Which reminds me i did have a thing for Cheetara. Not sure if i had the hots for her, or i just wanted to be her. I was confused back then.
Pete: speaking of confused, what the heck was a young me supposed to make of Cheetara in the first place? She was a cat? or was she a half cat? An alien race that happened to look like cats? She was drawn specifially to make me think she was hot and I guess gloss over the fact that if she's not some alien, then there had to be some really creepy origins for a hot half-cat lady to be running around Third earth. It's not my fault.
Not.  My. Fault. 

Rosa: Is THAT why you're always trying to put leotards on our cats??
Manny: When it came to Cheetara, I just ran with it and never looked back. The new Cheetara is smoking hot too.
Jason: I think I identified more with characters who's lives I wanted to live. Like Indy, or Bond, or the Turtles, or S.W.A.T. Kats (who wouldn't want to fly a jet and work in a junkyard). The ladies I liked just existed in these worlds... Aaaand we've discovered another person who's dating as an adult is designed by childhood t.v. Also I must say comic books ruined Heroes dying, I always thought if they cool enough they'd come back.  Then transformers confirmed this theory.
Rosa: So...you're saying that Artak the horse just wasn't "cool enough?" Oh wait...Bastian wished him back in the end. Being all sad *was* actually kind of uncool though...
Pete: S.W.A.T. cats, Jay?
Jason: Don't hate. No different from air wolf..., no wait, probably a more realistic premise.
Manny: <fist bumps Jason>
Pete: Jason, are you saying your dating habits are based on the notion of simply dating the closest person sitting next to you? Wheter she's a reporter, a grumpy princess you rescued, your armorer's daughter, or a cheetah in a jazzercise leotard?
Jason: No, i'm reffering to thinking of women as a bonus to living an awesome life. That they are there cause they "fit into the story". They are shiny objects, prizes. Basically im trying to give some sort of excuse for my man whore ways of my youth.
Manny: No Man Whore ways now?
Pete: This sounds a lot more like you treated girls like pokemon!
Manny: Kept them in a little ball?
Pete: STDs! Gotta catch them all.
Jason: Only let them out to fight each other...
Manny: If that's so, I know of plenty "Pokemon gyms" around here.
Jason: Pokemon salons?
Rosa: Seriously--you can say "whore" without having to say "man whore." The word is not a direct attachment to women...your addendum leads me to believe that you whored it up with men in your youth because you just loved the Ninja Turtle bromance, and now you've grown out of that and are in to women.
Scott: The first half is true for me! I never grew out of it though.
Jason: Maybe so. I was young... Gotts pay for college some how. And wouldn't the turtles be bestiality?
Manny: You could get away with it in certain states Jason.
Pete: See, none of the ladies or gay folk seemed to have this connundrum. I never heard Scott or Rosa ever say, "Man, that Raphael can stick me with his sai!"
Rosa: Ew.
Jason: Truth is Rosa: , I'm a bromanitc at heart (just ask your husband)
Rosa: Cartoon characters have no wieners. This is fact. And yet...you just identified how animators have been able to make the characters' weapons an extension of their genetalia (just think about that big ball that Panthro used to swing around!)...I'm sounding way more feminist than I believe myself to be, so I'll pipe down about this...right after I stop laughing about how Liono made his "sword" grow.
Pete:  Jason tries to kiss me a lot. And leaves weepy messages on the phone.
Rosa: That sounds much more like sexual harassment than bromance. I would expect more "hanging out in a hot tub full of chili watching Jason Statham movies and breathing in the fine waft of fart cloud" for bromance.
Pete: "Jason Statham IS ... Lion-O!"
Jason: Bromance cannot be quantified in words really. And to be honest the Turtles in particular are all about bachelorism. A group of four close friends who live in a sewer (there goes a need to clean) and who don't have bills (so therefore have more time to bro-down), who's only responsibility is to train in martial arts, then go beat the shit out of people and then return to said sewer-pad where they eat pizza and let a hot local celebrity fawn all over them...
Pete: Why to the ninja turtles sound like the gang from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?
Turtle Power!
Manny: Cartoon characters have no wieners? I dare you to google your fave childhood cartoon character and add "hentai" into the search. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Rosa: Fan art doesn't count. ...like I've never googled "hentai" before, Manny ...what kind of amateur do you think I am?
Manny: Rule #34. Gotta love it.
Rosa: So...I feel like we've hit on some select emotions elicited by cartoons/pop culture characters--mostly centering around love, friendship, sadness, and bestiality. If my memory is correct, I believe there are a few more spokes on the "feeling wheel." Were there any other characters that elicited pure hatred and/or rage? If anyone is looking for inspiration--think long and hard about your true feelings for Scrappy-Doo.
Manny: Scrappy can die of gonorrhea and burn in Hell.
Pete: I call that a yes.
Rosa: Yes...but how did he make you FEEL, Manny?
Pete: I've got one.  Jealousy! Richie Rich not only had everything, he went on adventures. If I'd been a kid with his money, my only adventures would have included being crushed to death under a mountain of my own toys.
Joe: Oh god, Manny - I googled "Dexter's Lab Hentai". His mom really does have an apple bottom.
Pete: Goodnight everybody!

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