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Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday Fights: The End of the World Pt. 2

So the world has ended (In our case apparently by the always original Zombie Apocalypse), and the new question becomes "What do you bring to the table?"  When your closest friends are loading up the Jeep Grand Cherokee or silent running Toyota Prius or the bicycle built for eleven, what is going to motivate them to come pick you up?

Rosa:  I think we can all agree that post-apocalyptic anywhere is gonna be rough...unless you have a strategy or special skill. Katniss made the world a little better with her archery skills, Mad Max and Sheriff Rick have gotten by on their cop skills, and Charlton Heston got by on his...talking skills? Anyways--I'm not sure which of my many skills would rise to the top and really make me a survivor...probably my ability to tan and avoid skin cancer...
Gen:  I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. Can't hotwire a car, siphoning gas sounds gross, I've never shot a gun..... but I guess I'd have to choose a future with slow zombies, because what I can do is run for long distances...slowly.
Stephanie:  Gen, you're adorable. It takes a big person to admit you're gonna die. And Rosa, you bring up a good point - what skills do each of us possess that would increase our chances of survival? I think my military training would help - I know how to shoot a rifle, and some basic close-quarter fighting techniques. I'm also pretty good at navigation, map-reading and orienteering. But, I think hands-down, my best talent lies in my ability to knit. We're all gonna need sweaters in the post-apocalypse nuclear winter...
Rosa:  Gen, you can play violin to draw zombies in to a trap! You'll be like a pied piper.  Just stand on one side of a pit, play the violin, and then they all come towards you, fall in the pit, and then we burn them and fill in the hole.
Stephanie:  Rosa is obviously a brilliant tactician. You can be on my team!
Gen: I still don't know how I'd manage without an iPhone. I imagine sometimes, post-apocalyptic life gets pretty boring. And we'd probably sit around and talk about movies, and someone would be like "What else was so-and-so in?" and I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LOOK IT UP ON IMDB! Now that is the tragedy.
Stephanie:  Wait...Gen is going to be the bait for our zombie pit..."Gen" sounds a lot like "Glen"...are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Rosa: Gen, I think the post-apocalyptic world for you would definitely need to be something futuristic where the machines take over. We'll live in fear of, but also be able to still be dependent on technology. I'm thinking Terminator or BSG type futures.
Pete:  Gen, would you turn us all in for the chance to use an iphone again?   Because that is still better THAN ACTIVELY WANTING TO MAKE ME A ZOMBIE! Rosa!
Gen:  BSG for me, absolutely. Especially if Lee Adama is there. yum yum.
Rosa:  I only want to make you a zombie if I am also a zombie...so you had better protect me from turning in to a zombie.
Gen:  Unlike Steph, my map-reading abilities are pretty poor. Google maps would be quite useful in said future...
Rosa: yeah--but if you had an iPhone the maps would be terrible.
Gen:  But yeah, I think I want to be in a post-apocalyptic world where there's space travel (without having to worry about air, food, etc, because we have the amazing ability to create gravity on ships and make endless supplies of variable food out of algae). I want to travel....IN SPAAAAACE.
Pete:  Gen, that sounds a lot less like a post-apocalypse and more like a space road trip.
Gen: ...necessitated by blowing earth up
Rosa:  What happens when you land on a planet you believe to be your sanctuary, only to find out it was Earth all along! (Also, apes have taken over and are total jerks to humans--who were stupid and blew the place up).
Stephanie:  I would damn them! Damn them all to HELL!!!
(This is the point at which Gen and Rosa recited the lyrics to the Simpson’s Dr. Zaius musical)
Manny:  Technically, Star Trek is post-apocalyptic--Eugenics and Atomic Wars and whatnot. I'll go chill in the 24th Century :-)
Jason: I'm with Manny. Star Trek it is! I will be paid an officer salary to walk around a space ships and push buttons! No working parties, no cleaning stations. Just a replicator in my GIANT ASS BEDROOM that will make me a burger and a Sam Adams. DONE!
Manny: Make it so!
Jason: Manny, I think you've effectively shut down the whole debate sir. Congrats on finding the post apocalyptic world BETTER than ours. I am in awe. :)
Manny: I do what I can...pass the Sam Adams :-)
Jason: *Clink!
Pete: We already called it!  Zombies.
Manny: The only zombies i want are on a holodeck. 

Rosa: As a lady of the species--I have concerns about being part of the initial group of survivors. As soon as the population gets wiped out it seems like, next to food & shelter, ladies become the biggest commodity--not necessarily for our fine cooking & decorating skills, but for our oh-so-important baby pouches. This seems problematic.
Stephanie:  Rosa, I'm thinking problems circa 28 Days Later... Maybe we should all go Andrea and just hook up with whoever seems like they can protect us at the moment!
Pete:  In Mad Max's Australia, even the lady mannequins weren't safe. But then, Tina Turner ran a whole town and I didn't see anyone messing with her. Maybe you just need some really painful looking earrings and a good evil laugh.
Rosa:  Lots of hooking up sounds awesome...but that whole pregnancy thing seems...inconvenient. In BSG they determined the survival of the human race was important enough to ban abortions. Lack of doctors like in Walking Dead seems troublesome. Also--trying to survive while also keeping a tiny human alive just sounds tiring.
Rosa:  Hmm...is Tina Turner's character in Thunderdome really the most powerful post-apocalyptic female figure? She really held a lot of power (even though Master-Blaster was in charge of the electricity).  President Roslyn in BSG gets pushed around a lot...Katniss is kind of a puppet...Michonne is cool, but not really a leader... Mother Abigail in The Stand was a leader...but more of a spiritual leader rather than a fearsome queen. Whatever it was that Tina Turner's character (why can't I even remember her name???) had, I want it. Plus a hit single on the pop charts. "All the children say!"
Pete:  Mother Abigail was only one notch less scary/creepy than the devil guy.
Rosa:   M-o-o-n. That spells creepy.
Post-apocalypse spelling bee winner!
Rosa: I know this is out of the blue, but seems like an important point to make: the ending of Wall-E was stupid and every one of those colonists would have died on Trash-Earth. I would NOT want to be part of that re-population/colonization effort. Can you imagine if the Wall-E people had to defend themselves in a thunderdome? Way to ruin the apocalypse, Disney.  Also--why was the plant growing INSIDE of a sealed refrigerator? Clearly that proved that plants had mutated and not that Earth was re-habitable...
Manny: So .... What role would you take in your band of survivors?  I've worked as a mechanic and have trained as a paramedic, so I've got that much at least.
Rosa: The all-knowing know-it-all. Duh.
Emanuel Fuentes Just keep the mojitos flowing Rosa. You'll be protected. Lol.
Pete:  I feel I'd be good solid backup for any wilderness survival. I'm no expert, but no slouch. I'm a big picture guy, so I say mayor. I can put talent where talent is needed and give rousing speehces. Who's with me!!
Dan: I'll work on the repopulation.
Rosa: Oh no---this is not ending on Manny clearly putting me in the "female makes food/drink and is therefor a commodity" category!
Pete:  Damnit Manny!
Manny:  I'm just saying what I've always said--your mojitos are the bomb :-)
Rosa: Seeing how Manny is roughly the size of a bear, I'm okay with him standing between me and zombies. But to be clear--it's not like he's going to be a bouncer outside a nightclub ("Name?...Hmm--I don't see Braaaaaaaains on the list. Sorry--I'm going to have to bash you in the skull."). He can stand in front of me as I take my archer's aim at zombies, decipher our location on a map, finish assembling pipe bombs, and as I run Bartertown.
Jason:  For all my jovial humor, I have a deeply rooted need to destroy. I will happily be the "enforcer" if you will. Not that im the most talented killer in the world but I learn fast and have no real moral issues with wanton destruction. Although I might go off at times to hunt hipster zombies... Just saying.  It means that I get to take all the fight training and dorky/nerdy combat lessons I had as a kid (yes I took archery and fencing as a young-ling) and put it to use making the world safer... and I get to live out my childhood fantasy of being Conan the Barbarian.
Pete: Or Legolas. Arrows!

The ultimate badass!  Hellz yeah.
Rosa: The image that your "implementing childhood training" boast brings to mind is when the girl in The Goonies tries to play the bone piano because she had piano lessons when she was 8. Things turned out well in that movie, so I believe watching you fence bandits will be equally as funny but with positive results that involve Cory Feldman.
Dan:  Here's the thing you cant start with arrows that is going to take a lot of time to master. I bet will also be much easier to find gun ammo than bows.
Manny: I'm all about using blunt objects.  Aluminum bats and sledgehammers don't run out of ammo :-)
Dan: Aluminum bats and sledgehammers do mean you have to get very close to would be attackers.
Manny:  Blunt melee weapons don't require specialized training to be effective, as being any good with a bow and arrow would. Depending in the type of zombie, they could be very effective. Tactics would depend on the enemy type.
Rosa:  I think we're making archery out to be something much more difficult than it is. Yes--there are different levels of mastery out there--professional hunters and Olympians are much higher on the skill ladder than those of us who took archery as a PE for 4 weeks in college. However, having *also* taken a pistol class, I can tell you that us beginners are much more likely to be able to take up archery than shootery--and arrows can be reused when practicing, while bullets can't.
Dan:  With the bow and arrow, how long does it take to fire a second shot when the first misses?  Will an arrow have as much affect as a bullet that hits a shoulder instead of the head. When its windy how much is that going to affect flight path. Yes you will eventually run out of bullets but lets not act like you only have five.  Arrows will also break and bend and a miss could end up in a spot you can't get to. Bow and arrow or blunt objects are good once the zombies have been thinned out, but the initial days when they are everywhere you will need guns. With a shotgun you have much greater chance for a kill than a bow and arrow...

Allow me to summarize how the next 79 hours of "guns vs. arrows" conversation broke down as best I remember:
Manny: Bats
Jason: Arrows
Dan: Guns 
Manny: Bats
Jason: Arrows

Dan: Guns

Jason: Arrows!
Dan: Guns!
 Jason: Arrows!
Dan: Guns!
Jason: Duck Season!
Dan: Wabbit Season!
Jason: What if you run out of ammo?
Dan: What if you break an arrow?  Or it's the least bit windy? Or Rainy?
Jason: Arrows are quiet.
Dan: And you can't run with them.  Plus what if there's waves of zombies?
Jason: Stay away from waves of zombies.

Rosa: I think the deadly nature of the gun is what's causing some of my hesitation to rely on it. I think they are certainly useful, and I will be the first to go searching for a pulse rifle when the Xenomorphs show up. However, given how many people die accidentally from guns, how panicked the masses will be during the apocalypse, and how stupid people are in general...I think people killing people is going to be one of the bigger extinction factors. In those scenarios I guess it's best to have a gun to be able to defend yourself against another gun, but would rather be in a place with more adaptive weaponry. The Ewoks defeated the empire with sticks and rocks.
Dan: Agreed.
Jason: Agreed.

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