We are a year-round, geek and pop culture convention in blog form -- spotlighting artists, vendors, cosplayers and geek-themed nonprofits from cons across the country.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Friday Fights: FMK - X-Men edition

For anyone who’s worked in an office and gone out for a happy hour with your coworkers…this usually ends up being a topic of conversation (if you’ve ever worked with 24 year-olds that is). Simply put, the letters stand for F*ck Marry Kill. You usually (after a few beers) force each other to state who in your office you would F, M, and K (three separate people). Since the F word is quite strong, we’ll just go ahead and nerd it up and use “Frak.”
Given the wealth of characters in the X-men universe, who do you find most bone-able, marriage material, and so insufferable that you would like to strip them of their powers and push them off a cliff, and why? Comic, cartoon, video game, and movie characters all accepted.

Scott: OMG. My mind is immediately in the gutter. If you can’t handle a little man on man during this conversation you better bow out now. Because sweet Jesus the things I’d do to movie Wolverine.... After a haircut though; seriously that mop on his head has gotta go.
Pete: I knew I could count on Scott. I had to assume it would be movie Wolverine. Comic book Logan is too short and hairy?
Scott:  Too short and assholey. And he's on 58 different teams. Screw that. Comic book Wolverine would probably be my kill too.

Manny:  Scott just wants him some Hugh Jackman.
Scott:  Yes! That is exactly what I want.
Pete:  To marry, I'm just going to have to go ahead and say Kitty Pride. I defy any guy to disagree with me! She's loveable and pretty. She’s universally adored. And in my younger mind, she was Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not Juno!
Check me out, homeskillet.   

Rosa:  Interesting that both Scott and Pete went for reasons that had nothing to do with the most interesting aspect of those characters--THEIR MUTANT POWERS! For instance--if Scott has interest in frakking Wolverine, yes his looks/physique are important, but just think of all the additional benefits--he can use the claws to latch on to the bedpost for interesting positions, and those healing powers are probably incredibly useful for...um..."recharging." And Pete--with Kitty Pride as your wife she could probably walk through the walls of a fancy restaurant and walk out with a fancy steak for you!
PS--I'm not opposed to being a sister-wife to Kitty Pride...if she can get me steaks too.
And don't forget--the topic is F,M, and K...you gotta pick all three.
Scott:  I have the F and the K. I'm still working on the M, that one carries more weight I think.
 Pete:  My thoughts are clouded by juicy stolen steak...
Scott:  Oh! I've got it. My marry is Madrox the multiple man. He can split into multiple copies of himself. I'm fairly certain i dont have to explain this one at all. ;)
Pete:  So he can do dishes and his husbandly duties at the same time? Why not Nightcrawler?  He could *bamf* be doing the laundry, then *bamf* ... um ... bamfing.
Scott:  Because bamfing stinks. And he's blue. No thanks. Oh and Madrox can send his duplicates out to learn things. Send one to college, have one learn to become a martial artist, whatever he wants. When he reabsorbs the dupe he gets all their knowledge. That could definitely come in handy.
 Rosa:  Wait--what do you have against blue people? I don't understand why being blue rules him out of being the marrying type...he has a prehensile tail! That thing's probably got a lot of uses!  Wouldn't you be worried that your multiple man is out with...multiple other men? And that when they are reabsorbed Madrox is going to get herpes?
Pete:  I was going to say Emma Frost for F. I'm a fan of her impossibe-to wear-outfit. But in almost all media she is that "older, sexier woman." Yay for cougars and everything, but really all that makes me think of is a Sex and the City character, (ick) or like ... Marilyn Chambers or some other "hostess" of indeterminate middle age from late 80s HBO movies we were too young to watch. Yeecch.
  Shaida:  How many times can I answer? Here's my immediate response, but I want to keep thinking about it: F-Magneto (X-Men: First Class) because Mmmmmmichael Fassbender. M-Gambit (90s cartoon version), because I always want to marry the  charming rogue. K-Storm. Any version ever. She's always lame, despite having one of the best powers.
Pete:  Gambiiiiit!
Rosa:  Gambiiiiiiit!
Pete:  Poor Storm, even her name is lame. Ororo. Ororo Munroe, no less. It sounds like the noise that dogs make on youtube where their owners think they are talking. 
"Come on, Sparky ... say 'I love you'"
“Good dog!”
Still has ... it? 
Manny:  I could definitely F good old Emma Frost. I do like the cougar aspect (yes, I think that Nina Hartley still has it). Good choice on Kitty for M but I'm gonna go with Magik on that one. As for K, let's go with Jubilee. She's the shitty poor man's Dazzler.
 Pete:  Yes! I was going to say kill Dazzler, if for no reason other than to make Scott mad; but Jubilee all the way. Unless I've missed something and she's actually cool in the comic books. In the 90s cartoon, she was NOT.
Scott:  You son of a bitch leave Dazzler alone! She's super powerful, respect it.
Rosa:  I would probably eff Cerebro.  No mess, it knows exactly what I want, and no unexpected pregnancy.
Pete:  Ew.  And ew to Nina Hartley, too.
Scott:  Jubilee is a vampire now, because that's the cool thing these days. I say stake the bitch, Buffy isn’t busy these days.
Rosa:  I'm thinking Marry Beast...he's a genius, cultured, strong, does that weird but fun roll thing in the X-Men Legends video game...I'm used to having my house covered in fur by already having cats...and unlike Scott, I don't have a problem with blue mutants. He doesn't poop in a box though, does he?
Scott:  Oh and I have to agree with First Class Magneto. He'd be frak choice number two. I’ve seen the full frontal images of him, that would be fun to play with after a little manscaping. Talk about a handful! Whoa.
Rosa:  Michael Fassbender, yes. I would be concerned about frakking Magneto if there were any loose change in the room or metal box springs under the mattress, however.
 Stephanie:  I'm with Fassbender-as-Magneto for the frakking...he's super sexy, super brilliant, passionate, and a little bit (okay a lot bit) dangerous. I like my men a little dangerous. For marrying, I'm tempted to go with Cylops, because he's the Captain America of the X-Men - he's the all-around good guy, true blue. But, I worry he's a little vanilla, and that might get boring super quickly. Unless I can frak Magneto while married to Cyclops... And I'd kill Mystique.
Pete Oooh! Mystique! I like her.  For F, though. Long-term, I don't think she'd be up for morphing into other people for you, but as a hookup, I think she'd be down to be Kim Kardashian, or ScarJo or Eugene Levy for an hour or two.
Rosa:  ScarJo? Gross.
Pete:  Steph, Cyclops is a dweeb.
Manny: Cyclops truly is a whiny bitch
Rosa:  Cyclops would probably try cutting the wedding cake with his laser vision and end up blowing the thing up...and then whine about it throughout the whole rest of the reception while Wolverine ran a train on all the bridesmaids in the coat closet.
Manny: #teamwolverine
Pete:  What about old Collossus, ladies?  Good looking dude.  Noble intentions.  And not a wussy.  Poor forgotten Piotr. I at least expected Shaida to pick him.
Why won't you marry me, Shaida?  I brought you this nice TV.

Manny:  I'm surprised that Scott didn't choose Colossus.
Rosa:  Russian accents are hot.
Pete:  Vat did you say? .. umm, vodka ...polar bears...
Manny: Even when Sean Connery does it Rosa?
Stephanie:  Ooh excellent call Pete! I would TOTALLY marry Colossus...I like tall men, and the accent IS pretty sexy. He's a little shy, but I bet he's a freak in bed.
(because we still get to f whomever we marry, right?)
Manny:  Vat did you say Stephanie-vich? Umm, vodka...polar bears...I'm looking for the nuclear wessels in Alameda...
Some accents are not as sexy as Manny thinks...

Stephanie:  "One ping, and one ping only..." Actually, pretty sure it's hot ESPECIALLY when Connery does it.
Pete:  Hullo, hot beeches. I ehm Collossus. I am shy in streets, but freak in sheets, da?
Stephanie:  Ooohhh...privyet, comrade. :) Let me show you some American hospitality...
Rosa:  Sean Connery is allowed to attempt a Russian accent if he's doing it opposite Tim Curry.
BTW--there's been a lot of Killing of lady characters...we've all surmised (well, most of us) that Cyclops is a fop, but nobody opted to push him off a cliff. What's up with that? Let's kill some dudes! My vote is for Juggernaut from the movie--totally pointless and not even related to Professor X like he's supposed to be...
Pete:  I was trying to keep my killing of the same gender as my F & M. I wouldn't kill Cyclops. Life has done that to him already."
Manny:  Take away Cyclops's eyeliner and he'll do the cutting himself.
 Pete:  I may change my Eff to Psylocke. But a British girl in the body of a Japanese hottie sounds a little bit too perv, even for me.
Manny: No such thing on the Internet
Stephanie:  Meet this girl.  Plus she's got the Russian accent.
Manny:  About that...
Shaida:  Pete, I haven't mentioned Colossus yet because I can't decide if he's an F or an M. Can I M comic book Colossus + Kitty Pryde, the couple? They're lovely; I wouldn't want to split them up....
"But, look.  Shaida, I brought you this little blonde girl."

Pete:  Haha, yeah I felt somewhat bad about taking Kitty away, too. What the hell is wrong with us?  Great, now I need a new M and F, but Jubilee is still going off that cliff.
 Jason:  First, the word derived from the German word freichen (pronounced: Fry-kin) which means "To Strike", I would say Psylocke. Next is marry... hmmm... much more difficult since I am a commit-o-phobe. I would have to go with Emma Frost, mostly because daddy needs a sugar mamma. And finally kill. I would love to say someone I hate in the series.  I get you on Jubilee, Pete . And let’s face it, Jean causes more trouble than she is worth... but … really I would probably kill Emma Frost if I could (and take the money) and then go back to Psylocke. Can you tell who I had a crush on as a young man? I'll give you a guess, it isn't whiny-ass Shadowcat (another who could go).
Pete: Blasphemy!
Shaida:  I’m surprised there's been no mention of Rogue...is it exclusively because you can't touch her?
Pete:  It is indeed because you can't touch her. Though, is anyone really into her, or at least Anna Paquin? I can see a movie with her, Claire Danes and Julia Stiles called ... "Eh, what's the point?"
Scott:  If I didn't dislike comic Wolvy so much, Rogue--prior to her being able control her powers--would've been my kill. Talk about a whiny wench!  But, you can actually touch her now. She has her powers completely under control. As the resident X-Men expert I verify this information as true.
Pete:  She and Jean will forever be sexless to me, thanks to those weird two toned body suits they wore in the 90s.
So many pockets!
Scott:  Hey! Those Jim Lee costumes are iconic!!
Pete:  Cargo unitards are not iconic!  Jason, are you sure you want to marry Emma. I feel like she'd get pretty fed up with paying for the rent and groceries and everything. I hope you can wash dishes.
Jason:  I give good husband. I'll be fine.   Besides, I plan to execute plan "show me the inheritance" loooong before she has a chance to get tired.  Or she will read my mind and kill me on our wedding night like a spider...
Pete:  Whoa, i missed this earlier, Stephanie, why are you killing Mystique?
Stephanie:  Cause she's a threat! She's too sexy and morph-y.
Pete:  That’s a better reason than Jubilee.  There are characters who commit near genocide in the X-Men universe, but somehow we only want to kill the characters who are lame. Sorry, if you've got  an ugly yellow jacket or lame shades with a bad haircut, you've gotta go.
Jason:  Because if you commit near genocide in the X-verse you're pretty badass. And P.S. can I say that I feel like this is being on a Navy vessel. No matter how hot the women are, they ladies get A LOT more options then the men.
Scott:  Yeah, I feel like I had tons of options when I was in. I'm good, thanks.
Pete:  No fair, Scott!
Rosa:  I disagree with the point about male/female options--there are plenty of lady choices, each bustier than the last. And for the most part, the side effects of coupling with them might be that they turn to diamond mid-coitus, literally "make it rain" in the bedroom, or walk through a wall to catch you watching porn. Meanwhile, those of us who are choosing dudes have to deal with flying metal, fur, claws, crippling insecurity, and a tendency to wear spandex jump suits.
Jason:  Mostly I think your options for marry are seriously limited... but the dazzling degree of the other two options are AMAZING!
Pete:  Also, half the lady options are Jean Grey, her clones, kids and knockoffs.
Scott:  I'm surprised no one wanted to F Cannonball's sister Husk. She can rip her skin off to a new form underneath. Gives all new meeting to the phrase, "Boy I'd tear into that!"
Pete:  Ahhhhhhh! Winner of the gross comments!  So, do we have final answers?
Shaida:  Some wrap-up thoughts.
1. Wolverine's hair is iconic and essential. There is no other haircut that could be simultaneously coiffed and badass. Hugh Jackman totally does justice to movie Wolverine, but the short, hairy, jerky comics Wolverine is, for me, the real Wolverine.
2. That leads me to my comics-version-only selection: F- Wolverine, bub! M- Colossus (strapping, indestructible farm boy with a sensitive/romantic side!) K- Cyclops (I disagree that he's too pitiable to kill. He can't control his own powers and he's in love with Jean Grey. Off with his head!)
3. I like the all-blue version of this list! I'd also go with Beast for M, Mystique for F, and although I'm actually quite fond of Nightcrawler, since he falls short of F or M, he's the K.
Pete:  I'm settling with F - Mystique. Comics, not movies, so I don't have to be either a.) A cradle robber. b.) Eskimo brothers with Jon Stamos. M - Kitty Pride. More fancy steaks stolen from fancy restaurants. Too bad for Colossus. and K - Jubilee. A very tall, very masculine looking Jubilee who will likely be swearing in Russian as he- SHE falls to her death.
Manny:  Final count:  F Mystique M Emma Frost and K Jubilee
Pete:  Manny, your mother would never approve of you bringing Emma Frost home.
Manny: Why not? I'm sure Emma habla espaƱol AND will bring her decorative souvenir thimbles.
Pete:  Which you will leave at Emma's house, like you did ours.
Rosa:  -after we gave them to you to bring to her?!
Jason:  F Psylocke, M Emma Frost, K... maybe Mystique. The movies have made her waay more badass than I remember. She was like a spy. She certainly NEVER could hold her own with Wolverine... and she's not as hot as she is in the movies. But the truth is Jubilee is the easiest to kill ( I don't think I could take Mystique in any form).
Manny:  Mystique is a utility player. And I know what utilities I have in mind...if you know what I'm saying.
Jason:  Nice! Plus truth is if you have Mystique, you kinda can have any other female in the marvel universe... imagine the possibilities!
Rosa:  You also can have any other male...just keep that in mind if she ever wants to get kinky and tie you up "just for funsies."
Pete:  And turn into the Blob?

Less girlie than actual Cyclops. 
Scott:  So my F would defintely be Hugh Jackman Wolverine. M is Madrox, and K is going to have to be comic book Cyclops. He's a giant douche. 
 Now in bizarro world where I'm straight, my F is Monet, mostly because she's super stuck up and I’d enjoy calling her a ho. M is Jean, no explanation needed and K is Jubilee. We don’t need a trailer trash Dazzler, thank you very much.
Pete:  Wow.
Rosa:  Okay...I have several editions of final answers.
1) X1-3 movies & spinoffs: F Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds!!!), M Professor X (inheritance and wheel chair rides!), and K Cyclops--what a douche.
2) X-Men First Class: F Professor X (he was Mr. Tumnus, and all girls love fauns), M Beast (see above), K Banshee (got no love for the gingers).
3) Cartoon: F Wolverine, M Gambit, K Morph--that guy was a basket case!
Scott:  Uhm, Rosa, I’m a ginger. What're you trying to say here. And holy shit how did I forget about Ryan Reynolds? Can my F be a threesome? Not like I’ve never done that before.
Pete:  He's a beautiful man.
Shaida:  Rosa, I hated to leave First Class Xavier off my lists, but I didn't want my British actor bias to dominate all my choices.

Rosa:  You have to take them where you can get them...for every Andrew Lincoln there's always a David Thewlis. And for every Trainspotting-era Johnny Lee Miller there's always an…Elementary-era Johnny Lee Miller.

Manny:  Morph done came out of left field...
Pete:  Morph. Poor Morph.

Manny :  Would you rather Deadpool Ryan or Green Lantern Ryan?
Jason:  WOW, WOW, WOW GOOD SIR! This is an X-men conversation. As bad as the Wolverine movie is (it's f-ing horrible) at least it's the same universe!
Rosa:  Green Lantern Ryan is irrelevant in this conversation. Now let's get back to talking about gingers being evil...

 <Dear reader, this is where the conversation began to devolve into a full-on discussion of the X-Men character Morph.  How it went on so long is anyone's guess.>

Back to the blog

No comments:

Post a Comment