Given the wealth of characters in the X-men universe, who do you find most bone-able, marriage material, and so insufferable that you would like to strip them of their powers and push them off a cliff, and why? Comic, cartoon, video game, and movie characters all accepted.
Scott: OMG. My mind is immediately in the gutter. If you
can’t handle a little man on man during this conversation you better bow out
now. Because sweet Jesus the things I’d do to movie Wolverine.... After a
haircut though; seriously that mop on his head has gotta go.
Pete: I knew I could count on Scott. I had to assume it
would be movie Wolverine. Comic book Logan
is too short and hairy?
Scott: Too short and
assholey. And he's on 58 different teams. Screw that. Comic book Wolverine
would probably be my kill too.
Manny: Scott just
wants him some Hugh Jackman.
Scott: Yes! That is
exactly what I want.
Pete: To marry, I'm
just going to have to go ahead and say Kitty Pride. I defy any guy to disagree
with me! She's loveable and pretty. She’s universally adored. And in my younger
mind, she was Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not Juno!
 |
| Check me out, homeskillet. |
Rosa: Interesting that both Scott and Pete went for
reasons that had nothing to do with the most interesting aspect of those
characters--THEIR MUTANT POWERS! For instance--if Scott has interest in
frakking Wolverine, yes his looks/physique are important, but just think of all
the additional benefits--he can use the claws to latch on to the bedpost for
interesting positions, and those healing powers are probably incredibly useful
for...um..."recharging." And Pete--with Kitty Pride as your wife she
could probably walk through the walls of a fancy restaurant and walk out with a
fancy steak for you!
PS--I'm not opposed to being a sister-wife to Kitty
Pride...if she can get me steaks too.
And don't forget--the topic is F,M, and K...you gotta pick
all three.
Scott: I have the F
and the K. I'm still working on the M, that one carries more weight I think.
Pete: My thoughts are
clouded by juicy stolen steak...
Scott: Oh! I've got
it. My marry is Madrox the multiple man. He can split into multiple copies of
himself. I'm fairly certain i dont have to explain this one at all. ;)
Pete: So he can do
dishes and his husbandly duties at the same time? Why not Nightcrawler? He could *bamf* be doing the laundry, then
*bamf* ... um ... bamfing.
Scott: Because
bamfing stinks. And he's blue. No thanks. Oh and Madrox can send his duplicates
out to learn things. Send one to college, have one learn to become a martial
artist, whatever he wants. When he reabsorbs the dupe he gets all their
knowledge. That could definitely come in handy.
Rosa: Wait--what do you have against blue people? I
don't understand why being blue rules him out of being the marrying type...he
has a prehensile tail! That thing's probably got a lot of uses! Wouldn't you be worried that your multiple
man is out with...multiple other men? And that when they are reabsorbed Madrox
is going to get herpes?
Pete: I was going to
say Emma Frost for F. I'm a fan of her impossibe-to wear-outfit. But in almost
all media she is that "older, sexier woman." Yay for cougars and
everything, but really all that makes me think of is a Sex and the City
character, (ick) or like ... Marilyn Chambers or some other "hostess"
of indeterminate middle age from late 80s HBO movies we were too young to
watch. Yeecch.
Shaida: How many
times can I answer? Here's my immediate response, but I want to keep thinking
about it: F-Magneto (X-Men: First Class) because Mmmmmmichael Fassbender.
M-Gambit (90s cartoon version), because I always want to marry the
charming rogue. K-Storm. Any version ever. She's always lame, despite having
one of the best powers.
Pete: Gambiiiiit!
Rosa: Gambiiiiiiit!
Pete: Poor Storm,
even her name is lame. Ororo. Ororo Munroe, no less. It sounds like the noise
that dogs make on youtube where their owners think they are talking.
"Come
on, Sparky ... say 'I love you'"
"Ororoooo!"
“Good dog!”
“Good dog!”
 |
| Still has ... it? |
Manny: I could definitely F good old Emma Frost. I do like
the cougar aspect (yes, I think that Nina Hartley still has it). Good choice on
Kitty for M but I'm gonna go with Magik on that one. As for K, let's go with
Jubilee. She's the shitty poor man's Dazzler.
Pete: Yes! I was going
to say kill Dazzler, if for no reason other than to make Scott mad; but Jubilee
all the way. Unless I've missed something and she's actually cool in the comic
books. In the 90s cartoon, she was NOT.
Scott: You son of a
bitch leave Dazzler alone! She's super powerful, respect it.
Rosa: I would probably eff Cerebro. No mess, it knows exactly what I want, and no
unexpected pregnancy.
Pete: Ew. And ew to Nina Hartley, too.
Scott: Jubilee is a
vampire now, because that's the cool thing these days. I say stake the bitch,
Buffy isn’t busy these days.
Rosa: I'm thinking
Marry Beast...he's a genius, cultured, strong, does that weird but fun roll
thing in the X-Men Legends video game...I'm used to having my house covered in
fur by already having cats...and unlike Scott, I don't have a problem with blue
mutants. He doesn't poop in a box though, does he?
Scott: Oh and I have
to agree with First Class Magneto. He'd be frak choice number two. I’ve seen
the full frontal images of him, that would be fun to play with after a little
manscaping. Talk about a handful! Whoa.
Rosa: Michael Fassbender, yes. I would be concerned
about frakking Magneto if there were any loose change in the room or metal box
springs under the mattress, however.
Stephanie: I'm with
Fassbender-as-Magneto for the frakking...he's super sexy, super brilliant,
passionate, and a little bit (okay a lot bit) dangerous. I like my men a little
dangerous. For marrying, I'm tempted to go with Cylops, because he's the Captain
America of the X-Men - he's the all-around good guy, true blue. But, I worry
he's a little vanilla, and that might get boring super quickly. Unless I can
frak Magneto while married to Cyclops... And I'd kill Mystique.
Pete: Oooh! Mystique! I
like her. For F, though. Long-term, I
don't think she'd be up for morphing into other people for you, but as a
hookup, I think she'd be down to be Kim Kardashian, or ScarJo or Eugene Levy
for an hour or two.
Rosa: ScarJo? Gross.
Pete: Steph, Cyclops
is a dweeb.
Manny: Cyclops truly is a whiny bitch
Rosa: Cyclops
would probably try cutting the wedding cake with his laser vision and end up
blowing the thing up...and then whine about it throughout the whole rest of the
reception while Wolverine ran a train on all the bridesmaids in the coat
closet.
Manny: #teamwolverine
Pete: What about old
Collossus, ladies? Good looking dude. Noble intentions. And not a wussy. Poor forgotten Piotr. I at least expected Shaida to
pick him.
 |
| Why won't you marry me, Shaida? I brought you this nice TV. |
Manny: I'm surprised
that Scott didn't choose Colossus.
Rosa: Russian accents are hot.
Pete: Vat did you
say? .. umm, vodka ...polar bears...
Manny: Even when Sean Connery does it Rosa?
Stephanie: Ooh
excellent call Pete! I would TOTALLY marry Colossus...I like tall men, and the
accent IS pretty sexy. He's a little shy, but I bet he's a freak in bed.
(because we still get to f whomever we marry, right?)
Manny: Vat did you
say Stephanie-vich? Umm, vodka...polar bears...I'm looking for the nuclear
wessels in Alameda...
 |
| Some accents are not as sexy as Manny thinks... |
Stephanie: "One
ping, and one ping only..." Actually, pretty sure it's hot ESPECIALLY when
Connery does it.
Pete: Hullo, hot beeches.
I ehm Collossus. I am shy in streets, but freak in sheets, da?
Stephanie: Ooohhh...privyet,
comrade. :) Let me show you some American hospitality...
Rosa: Sean Connery is allowed to attempt a Russian
accent if he's doing it opposite Tim Curry.
BTW--there's been a lot of Killing of lady
characters...we've all surmised (well, most of us) that Cyclops is a fop, but
nobody opted to push him off a cliff. What's up with that? Let's kill some
dudes! My vote is for Juggernaut from the movie--totally pointless and not even
related to Professor X like he's supposed to be...
Pete: I was trying to
keep my killing of the same gender as my F & M. I wouldn't kill Cyclops.
Life has done that to him already."
Manny: Take away
Cyclops's eyeliner and he'll do the cutting himself.
Pete: I may change my
Eff to Psylocke. But a British girl in the body of a Japanese hottie sounds a
little bit too perv, even for me.
Manny: No such thing on the Internet
Stephanie: Meet this girl. Plus she's got the Russian accent.
Manny: About that...
Shaida: Pete, I
haven't mentioned Colossus yet because I can't decide if he's an F or an M. Can
I M comic book Colossus + Kitty Pryde, the couple? They're lovely; I wouldn't
want to split them up....
 |
| "But, look. Shaida, I brought you this little blonde girl." |
Pete: Haha, yeah I
felt somewhat bad about taking Kitty away, too. What the hell is wrong with us? Great, now I
need a new M and F, but Jubilee is still going off that cliff.
Jason: First, the
word derived from the German word freichen (pronounced: Fry-kin) which means
"To Strike", I would say Psylocke. Next is marry... hmmm... much more
difficult since I am a commit-o-phobe. I would have to go with Emma Frost,
mostly because daddy needs a sugar mamma. And finally kill. I would love to say
someone I hate in the series. I get you
on Jubilee, Pete . And let’s face it, Jean causes more trouble than she is worth...
but … really I would probably kill Emma Frost if I could (and take the money)
and then go back to Psylocke. Can you tell who I had a crush on as a young man?
I'll give you a guess, it isn't whiny-ass Shadowcat (another who could go).
Pete: Blasphemy!
Shaida: I’m surprised there's been no mention of Rogue...is
it exclusively because you can't touch her?
Pete: It is indeed because
you can't touch her. Though, is anyone really into her, or at least Anna
Paquin? I can see a movie with her, Claire Danes and Julia Stiles called ...
"Eh, what's the point?"
Scott: If I didn't
dislike comic Wolvy so much, Rogue--prior to her being able control her powers--would've
been my kill. Talk about a whiny wench! But, you can actually touch her now. She has
her powers completely under control. As the resident X-Men expert I verify this
information as true.
Pete: She and Jean
will forever be sexless to me, thanks to those weird two toned body suits they
wore in the 90s.
 |
| So many pockets! |
Scott: Hey! Those Jim
Lee costumes are iconic!!
Pete: Cargo unitards
are not iconic! Jason, are you sure you
want to marry Emma. I feel like she'd get pretty fed up with paying for the
rent and groceries and everything. I hope you can wash dishes.
Jason: I give good
husband. I'll be fine. Besides, I plan
to execute plan "show me the inheritance" loooong before she has a
chance to get tired. Or she will read my
mind and kill me on our wedding night like a spider...
Pete: Whoa, i missed
this earlier, Stephanie, why are you killing Mystique?
Stephanie: Cause
she's a threat! She's too sexy and morph-y.
Pete: That’s a better
reason than Jubilee. There are
characters who commit near genocide in the X-Men universe, but somehow we only
want to kill the characters who are lame. Sorry, if you've got an ugly yellow jacket or lame
shades with a bad haircut, you've gotta go.
Jason: Because if you
commit near genocide in the X-verse you're pretty badass. And P.S. can I say
that I feel like this is being on a Navy vessel. No matter how hot the women
are, they ladies get A LOT more options then the men.
Scott: Yeah, I feel
like I had tons of options when I was in. I'm good, thanks.
Pete: No fair, Scott!
Rosa: I disagree with the point about male/female
options--there are plenty of lady choices, each bustier than the last. And for
the most part, the side effects of coupling with them might be that they turn
to diamond mid-coitus, literally "make it rain" in the bedroom, or
walk through a wall to catch you watching porn. Meanwhile, those of us who are
choosing dudes have to deal with flying metal, fur, claws, crippling
insecurity, and a tendency to wear spandex jump suits.
Jason: Mostly I think
your options for marry are seriously limited... but the dazzling degree of the
other two options are AMAZING!
Pete: Also, half the
lady options are Jean Grey, her clones, kids and knockoffs.
Scott: I'm surprised no one wanted to F
Cannonball's sister Husk. She can rip her skin off to a new form underneath.
Gives all new meeting to the phrase, "Boy I'd tear into that!"
Pete: Ahhhhhhh! Winner
of the gross comments! So, do we have final
answers?
Shaida: Some wrap-up
thoughts.
1. Wolverine's hair is iconic and essential. There is no
other haircut that could be simultaneously coiffed and badass. Hugh Jackman
totally does justice to movie Wolverine, but the short, hairy, jerky comics
Wolverine is, for me, the real Wolverine.
2. That leads me to my comics-version-only selection: F-
Wolverine, bub! M- Colossus (strapping, indestructible farm boy with a
sensitive/romantic side!) K- Cyclops (I disagree that he's too pitiable to kill.
He can't control his own powers and he's in love with Jean Grey. Off with his
head!)
3. I like the all-blue version of this list! I'd also go
with Beast for M, Mystique for F, and although I'm actually quite fond of
Nightcrawler, since he falls short of F or M, he's the K.
Pete: I'm settling
with F - Mystique. Comics, not movies, so I don't have to be either a.) A
cradle robber. b.) Eskimo brothers with Jon Stamos. M - Kitty Pride. More
fancy steaks stolen from fancy restaurants. Too bad for Colossus. and K -
Jubilee. A very tall, very masculine looking Jubilee who will likely
be swearing in Russian as he- SHE falls to her death.
Manny: Final count: F Mystique M Emma Frost and K Jubilee
Pete: Manny, your
mother would never approve of you bringing Emma Frost home.
Manny: Why not? I'm sure Emma habla español AND will bring
her decorative souvenir thimbles.
Pete: Which you will
leave at Emma's house, like you did ours.
Rosa: -after we gave them to you to bring to her?!
Jason: F Psylocke, M
Emma Frost, K... maybe Mystique. The movies have made her waay more badass than
I remember. She was like a spy. She certainly NEVER could hold her own with Wolverine...
and she's not as hot as she is in the movies. But the truth is Jubilee is the
easiest to kill ( I don't think I could take Mystique in any form).
Manny: Mystique is a
utility player. And I know what utilities I have in mind...if you know what I'm
saying.
Jason: Nice! Plus
truth is if you have Mystique, you kinda can have any other female in the
marvel universe... imagine the possibilities!
Rosa: You also can have any other male...just keep
that in mind if she ever wants to get kinky and tie you up "just for
funsies."
Pete: And turn into the Blob?
Scott: So my F would
defintely be Hugh Jackman Wolverine. M is Madrox, and K is going to have to be
comic book Cyclops. He's a giant douche.
 |
| Less girlie than actual Cyclops. |
Now in bizarro world where I'm straight, my F is Monet,
mostly because she's super stuck up and I’d enjoy calling her a ho. M is Jean,
no explanation needed and K is Jubilee. We don’t need a trailer trash Dazzler,
thank you very much.
Pete: Wow.
Rosa: Okay...I have several editions of final
answers.
1) X1-3 movies & spinoffs: F Deadpool (Ryan
Reynolds!!!), M Professor X (inheritance and wheel chair rides!), and K
Cyclops--what a douche.
2) X-Men First Class: F Professor X (he was Mr. Tumnus, and
all girls love fauns), M Beast (see above), K Banshee (got no love for the
gingers).
3) Cartoon: F Wolverine, M Gambit, K Morph--that guy was a
basket case!
Scott: Uhm, Rosa, I’m
a ginger. What're you trying to say here. And holy shit how did I forget about
Ryan Reynolds? Can my F be a threesome? Not like I’ve never done that before.
Pete: He's a
beautiful man.
Shaida: Rosa, I hated to leave First Class Xavier off my lists,
but I didn't want my British actor bias to dominate all my choices.
Rosa: You have to take them where you can get them...for
every Andrew Lincoln there's always a David Thewlis. And for every
Trainspotting-era Johnny Lee Miller there's always an…Elementary-era Johnny Lee
Miller.
Manny: Morph done
came out of left field...
Pete: Morph. Poor
Morph.
Manny : Would you rather Deadpool Ryan or Green Lantern Ryan?
Jason: WOW, WOW, WOW
GOOD SIR! This is an X-men conversation. As bad as the Wolverine movie is (it's
f-ing horrible) at least it's the same universe!
Rosa: Green Lantern Ryan is irrelevant in this
conversation. Now let's get back to talking about gingers being evil...
<Dear reader, this is where the conversation began to devolve into a full-on discussion of the X-Men character Morph. How it went on so long is anyone's guess.>
Back to the blog
No comments:
Post a Comment